If a lot of the kids in your group are struggling, it’s possible that your program isn’t meeting the basic needs of your group.

• Do kids feel physically and emotionally safe? (Their friends aren’t going to tease them for opening up.)

• Are they hungry because they come to church without having eaten breakfast?

• Are you asking them to sit still for too long? (Remember, no more than one minute per one year of age! So, don’t ask eight-year-olds to sit still for longer than eight minutes.)

• Is the lesson challenging but understandable?

• Do the kids feel connected to the volunteers and the other kids in the group?

• Are there opportunities for kids to share and build meaningful relationships?

• Do kids feel valued? Do they contribute meaningfully to the service?

• Do the kids get to make meaningful decisions about how they learn and worship at church?

When we meet these kinds of basic needs, the kids in our programs are likely to be more successful. Remember, if a lot of the kids are struggling, it’s not them. It’s us. What we’re doing isn’t working.

Sometimes, it feels like one child is “ruining it for everyone.” God has important work to do, and now it can’t happen because that one kid is distracting the group.

If that’s how you feel, we want to offer you a different perspective. Instead of thinking of the child as a disruption to ministry, think of the situation as an opportunity for ministry. 

If a child is acting up that severely (or that consistently), it means that something isn’t right inside of them. They feel afraid, dysregulated, rejected, or worthless, and they’re communicating those painful feelings with their behavior.

When a child rebels, argues, melts down, or acts out aggressively, what they are trying to communicate is: “I’m having a hard time right now. I need your help.” In other words, that’s the kid who needs a special touch from Jesus that morning. And you’re the one God chose to be His hands and feet to that child.

With that perspective in mind, play detective and try to figure what need is being communicated. Do they feel afraid? Are they hungry, tired, confused, or bored? Do they feel rejected or left out? Do they feel like they don’t matter to you, the Church, or to God? 

Relationship is the foundation of discipleship and discipline. Perhaps you or a volunteer can invest time in building a relationship with that child. Take them to a safe place and play with them. Go for a walk. Talk to them. Joke with them. You might think, “I can’t do that for every child” or “I can’t do that every week.” But that’s okay. That’s what this child needs this week. 

Children who struggle with their behavior are criticized and reprimanded everywhere they go—home, school, soccer practice. They know that they’re the “bad kid.” When they grow up, let them look back and remember your church as the one place where they were accepted and unconditionally loved.

Traditional classroom management strategies are based on reinforcement and punishment. Reinforce desirable behavior with Bible Bucks, stickers, or pizza parties. Punish (or ignore) bad behavior. However, these strategies don’t always work, especially for kids who consistently struggle to behave. Here are three reasons why:

1. At best, reward and punishment are temporary strategies. Sure, you slow down when there’s a police officer behind you. But when they leave, you speed right up again. It’s the same way with kids. We want long-term heart change, not just short-term behavior change.

2. Reward and punishment don’t teach kids how to behave. Many kids don’t understand the cultural and expectations of the church. Similarly, they may not have the social or emotional skills to navigate tough situations, like a conflict with a friend. They need a chance to learn and practice the proper behaviors before they can do them consistently.

3. Reward and punishment are based on control rather than relationship. It’s the same way we train dogs to sit and stay. This can be threatening or offensive to some kids, especially those who have been betrayed or mistreated by adults in the past. As a result, extrinsic motivators—even rewards—can backfire. 

When you reward a behavior, it’s less likely to be internalized and less likely to be repeated when you take the reward away. As much as possible, help kids understand the why behind the behavior so they can choose to embrace and internalize it.

All children, regardless of their backgrounds or disability status, have the same basic needs–to feel safe, regulated, loved, and valued. When a child feels afraid, dysregulated, rejected, or worthless–whether it’s due to a disability, traumatic event, or temporary situation–they communicate their feelings through their behavior. Our job is to identify the underlying feelings and respond in a way that helps the child heal and succeed at church. 

For example, children with ADHD may feel overcome by excessive energy or overwhelmed by chaos and distractions. They may need a chance to run around before the talk or pace quietly in the back of the room during the lesson. They may also need quiet, contemplative worship spaces where they can escape the noise and chaos of their everyday lives.

Regardless of the child’s background, it can be helpful to talk to the child’s parents. What are strategies that work for them at home? At school? And don’t forget to talk to the child themselves. “Keith, I tried adding some movement to the lesson today. How was that for you? Was it easier to focus?” This lets them know that you value them and increases their buy-in.

Research shows that two-thirds of kids will experience at least one potentially traumatic event before they graduate from the youth group. And the CDC estimates that approximately 1 in 5 children in the U.S. experience a mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder in a given year. 

Sadly, trauma and mental illness have become a huge part of the children’s ministry landscape. Fortunately, we can minister to them without knowing their stories (which they usually won’t tell us). We do this by responding to all kids’ challenging behaviors as though they were caused by trauma. In other words, we show compassion and grace and give them the support they need to meet our expectations.

Reach Hurting Kids Institute offers a variety of trauma-informed resources to help children’s ministry teams understand and respond to trauma-related behaviors. With the proper training, your team can help all kids—whether or not they’ve been hurt in the past— grow and heal within a community of faith. 

This question reflects an increasingly common misunderstanding. Supportive, trauma-informed discipline practices do not mean that kids “get away with” behaving poorly. Children are absolutely not allowed to behave in ways that endanger other people or consistently distract from the program.

Supportive discipline does mean, however, that we give struggling kids the extra support and structure they need to meet our expectations. That could mean taking them for a walk to give them a chance to calm down. Bringing a snack for a child who always misses breakfast. Or teaching children how their words and actions are perceived by other others.

Discipline in the children’s ministry should not be about “justice.” After all, God does not punish us as our sins deserve (Psalm 103:10). Instead, it’s about coming alongside struggling children, recognizing that they want to do well at church, and giving them the love and support they need to succeed.

To learn more, download our free Quick Guide to Grace-Filled Discipline.